The Value of things:

It's raining, it's dark out....and the climate for relationships seems to match the weather these days.  Dark and dreary.

Recently, there has been an outbreak of breakups among the ranks of couples I know.  It seems like you can't swing a stick without hitting someone who's in the process of breaking up.  And I it saddens me so.  I hate to see these unions end.  Especially when both people are good people, and both people at one time loved each other....so you have to ask...."Where does the love go? 

Where does the good go?"

Once upon a time, I got married, and I did it all wrong, I married someone impulsively, with the absurd notion that "if it don't work out, we'll just get divorced!"  Yes, folks, he and I actually made that agreement before we got married!  *Slaps myself in the forehead*...what in the hell was I thinking?  I understand that it's a logical determination...I mean, IF it didn't work out, the natural outcome would be we'd get divorced, with the divorce rate being at 50%, it's not a shocking thing when a marriage ends, but still......where does the good go?

I asked that question again last night.....to Jerimy I said "How do you go from proposing, wanting to spend THE REST of your life with someone one minute, and then letting them walk right out of your life the next?  How does that even happen?"

Is it Pride?  Is it discontent?  Or is it something else?

I was married for six years, and while we were basically strangers when we walked down the aisle together, after only 6 weeks of dating.....I feel that we gave it better than the old college try.  Six years of "trying"....is a dang good effort I think, and I don't regret my ex's and I's failed marriage, it was a lesson in life and love that I couldn't of gotten any other way.  I'm a better person for it, and I'm sure he is too.  Young dumb kids get married after only 6 weeks of knowing each other, and they gained the lesson of a lifetime.  You can't get that kind of education in school, when you learn shit the hard way, you RETAIN that knowledge.

Another half of a couple that is throwing in the towel said to the other, "you're the best I've ever had"....well then why the hell are you letting "THE BEST" walk out the door?  Why are we so willing to "let go" of something that at one time, made us the happiest we've ever been?  Is it just easier to start over with someone else instead of fighting for the person you've invested so much time, love and energy to?

Is LOVE not worth fighting for anymore? 

Is Family not so important as to think it's better torn apart? 

Where does the good go?

Now I'm not saying some couples shouldn't go their separate ways, there most certainly are, I was half of a couple that needed to, so I know when trying isn't enough, when fundamental effort isn't enough, but in my case, that's because I was only half the equation.  I could of tried til I was blue in the face, but if the other person wasn't trying too, it wouldn't of ever made a difference.  When one person gives and the other person takes, someone's going to run empty while the other one runs over.  It's just the way it is.

To those of you breaking up....and you know who you are, I'm so sorry for the loss and stress and hurt that you must be feeling.  I wish this wasn't happening to you.  I wish that love had been enough.  If it's the right thing, you'll find peace in your decision/situation, if it's the wrong thing, you'll find regret, but either way, you're going to learn a lot about yourself, you're going to FEEL everything one minute and be numb the next.  Life is going to pull you and push you in directions and you won't always know up from down, but one thing that is certain, is that life has just dealt you a valued lesson.  After all the hurt subsides, and the anger and resentment fade, you'll know what to take away from it.

It took a long time to be able to say I wasn't mad at my ex for not loving me enough, or not giving enough to our relationship.  I felt like I'd given so much, and he'd given so little....but in the end, his lack of giving actually GAVE me the freedom to put down my work gloves, dust myself off and say, enough now.  That's enough Heather.  You've given it your all, you've done all that you can.  But it's just not enough to make a wrong thing right anymore.

In my relationship question of "where does the good go?"  My "good" came in the form of KNOWING myself in a very honest, very accountable way that I hadn't before.  Accepting myself for who I was, the good, the bad, the failures and everything I was and everything I wasn't.  Self acceptance and self awareness are sometimes forced upon you when everything else falls apart around you.  The "Good" that came from my heartbreak, was the ability to be completely honest with myself about who I was, and to stop trying to be the person people might of thought I was, or wanted me to be.  I was not the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect sister or friend.  I wasn't good at living up to the standards of others, and once I stopped trying, wow, talk about taking a load off!  Whew!  I was finally free to be me, the whole me and nothing but the me!

*laughs*

"me, me, me...."

I swear I'm not as self centered as that sounds....

but when you don't know WHO you are, "ME" is something you have to dedicate a lot of time to uncovering.

What's that saying, "To rise from the ashes of the Phoenix"....which means to be destroyed, turned to ash and be reborn from those remainders of yourself.  Relationships are the fires that burn you, what's left is sometimes the best gift of all.....a new beginning.  If you can't find the "good" in each other anymore, let your "good" be hope and faith in yourself, that you can be reborn, a little of the old you, a lot of knowledge needed for the new you, but no matter how lost you feel, you will not lose you.  YOU are still in there....and YOU will come back out on the other side of this.  Take your time, we'll all be right here waiting patiently until YOU make it back.  And you will.

I leave you with Sara Evans.  I sang this song at the top of my lungs today on the way to work....you might as well too.

Don't ask questions, just sing!  Trust me.

Luv,

~Heather Lynn~