Before I begin my regimen of pre-colonoscopy liquids that will flush my insides down the toilet. If you have a queasy stomach, you may want to discontinue reading now.
So what started out as a night sick laying on the floor of Mr. and Mrs. Wark's bathroom, turned into expelling blood out my rear and then a ER visit.
They did a CT scan of my abdomen and found a mass in my large intestine on the left side. Said I had to be seen by a GI specialist within two days. That was then, this is now.
I went to see Dr. Taja, my GI guy today and he reviewed my CT scan, showed it to me and said that it was what appeared to be a tumor, and a sizable one at that.
Then when I asked him when he would be able to schedule me for a colonoscopy, he said 'TOMORROW', we can't delay this. I'm guessing by his tone and his urgency, it's not looking good for me right now.
I thought I would immediately break down into tears...but I didn't.
Ok, drinking this liquid disgusting torture is worse than I thought it would be. Must get it down though.
Ok, first 16 oz. down the hatch, now I get to await it's exit from my body.
the stomach grumbling has begun. if the insistent gurgling is any indication of the terrible time I'm up for...well, lets just say this is going to be a doozy.
OMG......HOLY hell the pain is enough to bring me to tears....and the process of cleaning out one's colon is even worse than I had imagined it would be. This stuff could be given to prisoners of war and used as a torture device. I'd sell anyone body out to make this pain stop.
well, that was embarrassing, two rolls of toilet paper down the sewer pipe later, tears shed, moaning, wincing, gripping the walls for dear life, and I've survived round one of my "colon prep".
Now, I just have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. for round #2. This is crappy I tell you!....LITERALLY! *weak smile*...even "crappy" puns tend to make me smile. Can't help it, it's the writer in me.
As I sit here wide awake at, midnight, then one, then two and three a.m. it's hard not to think and ponder about the worst case scenario. What if I have cancer, what if I don't make it to my wedding day with Jerimy, what if poor George and Chubs lose their mommy...they'll never understand where i went and why i never came back for them. This makes me so sad to think of all the things I never got to do, all the places I never got to go, all the things I would miss out on being around for....like seeing my niece and nephew grow up and reach all those milestones that kids do. I won't be around to see Easton get married someday, graduate from high school and then college...i won't get to have grandkids that in really hope to get one day since i didn't have kids of my own. Damnit I don't want to miss out on this stuff.
Everyone says "you'll be fine", and stay positive, but I don't think there's a person alive, who is faced with the possibility of "cancer" who doesn't think about death, and the life they will have cut short.
The good news though, is that I have had a wonderful life so far. I have THE BEST friends and family and dogs a girl could ask for. I've met the love of my life, and somehow swindled him into wanting to marry me. I'm surrounded my nature, and trees, and noises from the forest outside my window, I have 21 chickens who love me (well, as much as chickens can really love anyone)....and I got some really great new outfits at the thrift store the other day...some real finds...I do so love a good thrift store find! It makes me smile to think of myself on a fake red carpet and cameras flashing and people shouting my way "Heather....Heather...who are you wearing??!?!" and I say back ever so coolly "Community thrift store, $1.99!"....
As i sit here, i ponder turning the famous poem "twas the night before Christmas" into the "twas the night before a colonoscopy", but, I can't ruin a perfectly wonderful Christmas poem like that. I assure you, it'd be clever and grotesque, but I refuse to turn a holiday classic into a "shitty" parody. Besides, I'm no Weird Al Yankovich, like him or not, that guy is a total and utter genius. Google him sometime and read about him, it will blow your mind how extremely talented that guy really is. My dear friend DJ Ramsburg taught me that, and I've always been grateful that he did. Beaus when someone is truly gifted, like Weird Al is, it's a damn shame for people to go on NOT knowing how gifted you are.
As I read through some of the texts people sent me today, and Facebook messages, I can't help but to get emotional at all the outpouring of love and support you all have given me. All the messages of hope and prayer and love, i tell you, you sure know how to make a girl choked up with emotion! you'd think i was on my period due to the overwhelming amount of times I've teared up and cried today! If anyone asks, I'm going to just say I'm premenstrual though, cuz I'm an Osting, and I have a reputation to maintain. I'm tough and all that you know. No way I sit around crying while reading text messages and Facebook messages. Ostings just don't do such things. We spit in the face of Cancer, and "emotions"....
*sighs*...Oh how I wish that were true.
Four O'clock.....drinking round #2 and NOT looking forward to the aftermath. Jerimy is sound a sleep with the dogs in our room. the whole house is so quiet. and outside is so still. at four in the morning, a person feels really and truly alone. It's so quiet, i can hear my own heart beat.
Ok, gotta run to toilet...be back when this has run it's course.
It's five thirty a.m. Round two actually wasn't nearly as bad as the first. Not as much cramping or pain, but I did cheat and dumped a little bit of the second dose down the drain. Just a little, so I'm not going to feel bad about it. I'm cleaned out, and that's the main thing.
Now I wait for 2:15 p.m. when I will check myself in and prep for my procedure. This is going to be the longest clock watching time. I wish I could sleep, but there's just no way, I'm a ball of nerves.
Thank God for Netflix, for now Parenthood, season 1, episode 1, will appease my mind and take me away from reality.
This is where I'll leave you....for now.