So tonight while laying in my recliner, sicker than a dog....AGAIN...this time with some strange lung/snotty/cold type illness, I laid around watching yet another Parenthood Marathon because I simply don't have the physical or mental strength to actually get interested in a new story line right now....plus, something about the Braverman back yard makes me feel kinda dreamy and curious about California. It's winter here in good ole Ohio, and California on the TV reminds me that it will be nice here again someday. I've been pretty thankful for the mild weather we had over Christmas. It was nice not to have to brave the weather AND be sick.
I don't know where this damn new illness came from. I swear, I'm just falling apart. I feel like my lungs are burning and I'm wheezing when I breath, and the coughing fits, oh, don't even get me going on those, feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head. I had a fever that made my face feel like it was burning, and the rest of my body freezing, and THEN, switched, my my face cool to the touch, and the rest of me sweaty...ah the joys of having a compromised immune system. I blame the stress....you get sick, you stress, you get sicker, you stress...it's a terrible unproductive cycle. And it really astounds me that Jerimy and I are so different in that department, I worry and stress and he "appears" to go through life without a care in the world. Don't get me wrong, I know he does, but he never shows it, well at least not often.
Women and men are so very different in how they handle stress. For instance, tonight while watching an episode of Parenthood, Adam punched a guy in the face for calling his Autistic son a "retard"....I looked at Jerimy and said, "would you of punched that guy out in that situation?" and he was like, "hell yeah I would of, some guy calls my kid a retard, I'm punching him, no doubt"...and I was like....hmmm...as a woman, I would have probably assaulted that person with my words, and probably cursed a lot, while making them feel as little and ashamed as earthly possible. I probably would have cried as soon as I left the supermarket and as soon as I got home, I would have confessed the whole terrible ordeal to Jerimy the second I walked in the door, both to bring him up to speed and also to have him "share" in the whole awful thing with me. Which is strange to think that I want to "include" him in such a miserable event, but at the same time, women don't think about "sparing" him the details, it's ALL about the details with us.
Back on Parenthood, Adam walked in the door, Christina, his wife immediately picked up on the vibe he was putting off and asked him "what's wrong", he said nothing, he opened a beer, and then walked out of the room and away from his spouse, not telling her that he just totally punched a guy out at the supermarket.
Again, I looked at Jerimy and said, "I so wouldn't have done that, I would of told you all about it and would have been like Can you believe that guy, what an asshole!!"...and I would have felt so much better once I told the tale and got it off of my chest, but not guys, guys drink a beer and want to go be alone somewhere where you can't ask them "what's wrong".
It's really hard for me to relate to someone who is so fundamentally different than myself. I try to wrap my head around it, and 9 times out of 10, i'm going to react like a "woman" every time.
Something else Jerimy and I are really different from each other is the fact that I like to take all the facts, all the possible outcomes and prepare for any and all of them. He would tell you I pick the worst case scenario and play it out like it's GOING to happen. In my defense, it's just how I cope, ya know, like I'd rather be relieved at getting good news, than devastated when given bad news. The old "expect the best, prepare for the worst" kind of philosophy. Jerimy gets soooooooo annoyed that I do this, He calls me "negative nancy"....like I'm so kind of doomsday prepp'er over here, but honestly, just between you and me, one of THE scariest things in the world, is what you never see coming. If I had went into my colonoscopy thinking there is NO WAY I could have cancer, and then found out that it had been (hypothetically speaking), it would have wrecked me. If I go into this surgery that I'm going to have in the next month or so thinking, "It's basically outpatient, I'll be fine, and then wake up with a colostomy bag that I have to have the rest of my life, I'm going to be beyond consolable. Can you imagine what a colostomy bag would do to your sex life? Can you imagine your feces and urine taped to a bag on your side for the rest of your life?
and it leads me to believe, it's not just women and men, or maybe it fundamentally is, but me, this woman, I like to have all the facts, imagine the worst, and then prepare myself mentally for what MAY lie ahead. For me, mental preparation, it's the difference between being able to take a breath and face the worst, or shutting down, and being too devastated to face the facts as the are presented to me. I wish I were more like Jerimy.. I admire his optimism and enthusiasm, and while I don't consider myself a negative person, I'm human, I'm flawed, I'm a pain in the ass, I sometimes talk to much, and there was that time I punched a guy in the arm at Walmart, thinking he was someone I knew, only to find out he was a total stranger....and yeah, I punched him again and said "Heeeey man well it was really good to see you" and I walked away leaving a total stranger to think HE was the crazy one who couldn't remember who I was! As opposed to being someone who should really wear her glasses before punching strangers at Walmart. What can I say, I'm a complete wreck sometimes, and I surely feel like one now, hospitals, procedures, test results, blood draws, plastic arm bands, feeling weak, freezing, then sweaty, burning lungs, nothing tastes good, nothing smells good, and sometimes the only thing that doesn't hurt are my eyelashes....but just to prove Jerimy wrong, I'm not ALL negative, I couldn't be more thankful for the cushy recliner I get to lay in, or the soft snugly blankets I get to pull on and then kick off, only to repeat again. I'm so thankful that I'm off work for the holiday, and maybe will get some serious rest and go back to work on Monday feeling more human and ready to face the meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Bowersock, on Wednesday morning.
Please tell me there's some others out there like me, that I'm not alone in this whole crazy worry cycle. Worry, wash, worry, repeat. I'm not right? I just can't bring myself to lie to myself and tell myself everything is going to be fine, when "fine" is the last thing that I know I will be.
I don't want to lie to myself in the name of optimism.
Someone, anyone out there, tell me a story of worry, one that shows I'm not alone.
Anyone out there....
In bed and sick,