Finding Zen: & Explanation that I owe:

Once upon a time, in what seems like a million years ago...there was this girl, and she liked to write, and writing made her happy and it fed her soul to do it.

Then, LIFE sucked all the joy out of the girl, and left her shallow, sullen, without joy or peace and in a state that the mirror's reflection would scare even the bravest soul.

How did I get here, where did it all go wrong?  How does one lose themselves so completely?

Like a sinking ship, it started out as just a small leak....nothing that could take down a mighty vessel.

But then the small crack cracked more, and the small leak became a constant trickle that began to puddle and pool.

Before you even send someone to address the situation, things spiral and by the time you do, you are now wading through the murky water to even see where the leak is and what caused it.

By the time you know what hit you, you're at the bottom of the ocean, desolate, rusty, and your insides are under so much pressure you fear if you tried to rise to the top again, you'd implode.

Where joy once resided, fear as inhabited.  Where pleasure flourished, anxiety has washed away.  The heart and soul of your ship, has sunk....and the next thing you know, your lower back is killing you and you by chance wind up on the table of an unfamiliar chiropractor table, with a guy you don't know, poking and prodding around you being told that your "sacral shakra" is blocked, your gallblatter's energy can't get out your feet...which is why my feet have been killing me....and my TMJ is caused by harboring ill feelings or feelings of revenge towards someone.

This holistic enthusiast who was examining me told me as the song "Walking on Sunshine" played in the background to do some research on Sacral Shakra and "it will explain so much".

Now before you say "what kind of vodoo doctor are you going to?"  let me say that while I'm a fairly level headed 37 year old woman....I love the idea of the unknown.  I revel in it to be exact.  Mystical things you hear about in books or old wives tales, theories about engergy and the power of the mind....these things are intriguing.  Am I going to join a cult and drink the kool-aid...NO.  But my mind is an open meadow...and I invite new ideas and theories in for a romp.

I did my research and discovered the symptoms of a blocked Sacral Shakra and they are as follows:

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar?

• horrible PMS, painful cramps or miserable perimenopausal symptoms
• infertility struggles
• low back pain
• sciatica pain
• chronic fatigue or loss of joyful energy
• lack of motivation
• a feeling of “spinning your wheels”
• issues with guilt
• over indulgence or spending money to lift your mood
• inability to orgasm or decreased libido

Any of those sound familiar?

Why can't I find the ending to my next book?  Why am I so tired, unmotivated and laughing so much less than I once had?

One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" and it is the following:  

And you know, it's funny, I hadn't admitted to myself just how "stressed out" and how "un-creative" and "de-smiley" I've been until it was brought to my attention.  I haven't had any super creative thoughts that turn to Facebook posts to make others laugh along with me....I haven't written here or ANYWHERE for an eternity, and the sheer essence of me, has just escaped me.  Why did I need a guy whom I've never met, who happened to be rubbing my feet giving me a look of concern by something my feet were communicating to him...to be the one to tell me I wasn't happy on the inside.  That I needed to "stop and smell the roses"  That's what he said.  "Girl you need to stop and smell the roses, enjoy life!" and you know, he's absolutely right, somewhere along the way, my wonder snuck out like a thief in the night....my smile crept behind and remains hidden by a furrowed brow, and my inner peace was kidnapped by the stressors of day to day life.

Who the hell am I?  I don't want to be a "grown-up"...I don't want my inner child to die a slow and miserable death, damnit!  I like that girl, she's awesome and she makes me smile....and like want to skip every now and again for no apparent reason.  No. no. no. no. no!  I won't give up without a fight.

I was stressed about the wedding, now that's over.  I was stressed about money...that's getting a wee bit better, I was stressed about work....so I'm listening to "ZEN" water and bird music as I type this and I've picked up my yoga practice again.  I've been reading and researching and just being generally introspective, because if we don't look out for our own selves, who is going to?

Worry, stress, strife, being a grown up will kill you...and I'm making a conscious effort to find my way back to center.

In my quest for further mind expansion and knowledge of my own inner workings, I've enrolled myself in Lear's Martial Arts Academy's:   Dayan Arts Camp.  I'm going to learn how to meditate!

So for those of you who think I died, fell off the face of the earth or have been kidnapped by Russian Spies to be held for ransom....no such luck...I'm a live....just not as "well" as I'd like to be.

I'm going to stop and smell the damned roses, and I'm going to do it if it kills me!

Also, it's time (I think) to let go of things (physical things)....I'm starting to think that an accumulation of "things" weighs on us just like worry.  So last night, in a mad desire for change, I threw out 2.5 large black garbage bags of clothes.  Well I'll take them to good will anyway....no sense in tossing something someone ELSE can benefit from.  Going to try to cleanse this stressful anxiety filled life for something better.  I'm going to hug my husband more, I'm going to smile even if I don't feel like it, and I will find my way back to me.

I'm so looking forward to feeling light again.

Lastly, as for my TMJ;

I promised a certain someone I would not just write, but write to release that which holds me back and dampens my spark...Here goes:

God, Please allow me to not feel the animosity of others around me;

allow me the freedom to be me without their influence or opinion

God grant me the strength to love someone who doesn't love me, or even possibly themselves

let me be kind in the face of cruel and keep my eyes open to those in need

Let me release misconceptions I've contrived to explain the unknown

and to breath deep and feel the release from the grip of negative thoughts and emotions.

God let me not worry, let me revel in faith and trust and love.

Amen.