Preparing for the big Lay-up

And I'm not talking about basketball....

So tomorrow I go and meet with the surgeon who's going to be removing my tumor they found in my large intestine earlier this month.  I'm hearing mixed reports as to what my recovery time will be, so in an effort to prepare to spend my time and "pain killers" wisely, I prepare to make good use of this down time, assuming I can stay conscious.

To my future boss in real estate (Krista)....yes I fully intend to study for my State Real Estate Exam....IF my pain killers will allow for any memory retention.  However, you don't need to REMEMBER what you're writing per se when you're a novelist...so why not allow the creative or even hallucinate-ive nature of my recovery aid me in finishing the novel I've been working on for oh so long now.

*ponders what Vicodin might have to offer Vivienne & Jude* 

hmmmm....i wonder....I wonder.

So after surgery, I won't be able to lift heavy things, and I'm going to need to be comfortable, so I stole a recliner from the living room and hauled it down the hallway into my office in an effort to make my office more homey, more "writer-worthy"....

Is this chair oh so totally "writer-ish" or what?!  It reminds me of the old leather bindings of antique books.  Maybe that's just me....I see books in everything.

Ok, so I got the chair....then I got the laptop fired up and put on some tunes.....

FYI - The "A Great Big World" custom I-heart radio station rocks my socks...I just love it.

Well, now there's lovely lyrics and music...the room is starting to feel more inviting....

Next, comes:     Lay out the tools of the trade. (one of my favorite parts of writing...gel pens and highlighters!  Regardless of how much writing I do on my laptop, I always am happier when I have a smooth gliding pen held lovingly between my fingers.  It's comforting...so a pile as pretty as this makes me smile, even before writing a thing, or even picking one up.

Alright, now I need some ambiance:

 Big Blue Chrystal Skull is lit up....

Ok, then I geeked it out with  my glasses....

lol

Sorry, I couldn't help myself, I like my skulls to look like they are about to tell me something really intelligent....and in my head, they always have a really kick ass British accent for some reason....

Candles lit, Lucille Ball watching lovingly from the wall....

There's a snoring dog at my ankles, apparently HE thinks it's perfectly warm and welcoming in here...

I sit down, and start dusting off my manuscript:

To start off the creative process, I first must read what I've written with fresh eyes, and new perspective.

So here is my pile of papers, aka, manuscript, paper-clipped into chapters, and ready to go with me where ever I go, so all those Dr. Office waiting rooms, I'll have reading material.

Under all this dust, there's just got to be some magic....and if not, it's never too late to make some, or write some, right?!

Thanks for joining me for this episode of

"From a writer's Office"

It's been great hanging with you,...

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the big comfy Leather Chair I hijacked.

with a blanket...

maybe a glass of wine....

which pretty much means I'll be sound asleep in about 10-15 minutes!

Please join us next time,

for another EXCITING episode of
"From a writer's office"!

*giggles, snorts*

Geeking out now,

~HeatherLynn~

A Fundamental difference...

So tonight while laying in my recliner, sicker than a dog....AGAIN...this time with some strange lung/snotty/cold type illness, I laid around watching yet another Parenthood Marathon because I simply don't have the physical or mental strength to actually get interested in a new story line right now....plus, something about the Braverman back yard makes me feel kinda dreamy and curious about California.  It's winter here in good ole Ohio, and California on the TV reminds me that it will be nice here again someday.  I've been pretty thankful for the mild weather we had over Christmas.  It was nice not to have to brave the weather AND be sick.

I don't know where this damn new illness came from.  I swear, I'm just falling apart.  I feel like my lungs are burning and I'm wheezing when I breath, and the coughing fits, oh, don't even get me going on those, feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head.  I had a fever that made my face feel like it was burning, and the rest of my body freezing, and THEN, switched, my my face cool to the touch, and the rest of me sweaty...ah the joys of having a compromised immune system.  I blame the stress....you get sick, you stress, you get sicker, you stress...it's a terrible unproductive cycle.  And it really astounds me that Jerimy and I are so different in that department, I worry and stress and he "appears" to go through life without a care in the world.  Don't get me wrong, I know he does, but he never shows it, well at least not often.

Women and men are so very different in how they handle stress.  For instance, tonight while watching an episode of Parenthood, Adam punched a guy in the face for calling his Autistic son a "retard"....I looked at Jerimy and said, "would you of punched that guy out in that situation?"  and he was like, "hell yeah I would of, some guy calls my kid a retard, I'm punching him, no doubt"...and I was like....hmmm...as a woman, I would have probably assaulted that person with my words, and probably cursed a lot, while making them feel as little and ashamed as earthly possible.  I probably would have cried as soon as I left the supermarket and as soon as I got home, I would have confessed the whole terrible ordeal to Jerimy the second I walked in the door, both to bring him up to speed and also to have him "share" in the whole awful thing with me.  Which is strange to think that I want to "include" him in such a miserable event, but at the same time, women don't think about "sparing" him the details, it's ALL about the details with us.

Back on Parenthood, Adam walked in the door, Christina, his wife immediately picked up on the vibe he was putting off and asked him "what's wrong", he said nothing, he opened a beer, and then walked out of the room and away from his spouse, not telling her that he just totally punched a guy out at the supermarket.

Again, I looked at Jerimy and said, "I so wouldn't have done that, I would of told you all about it and would have been like Can you believe that guy, what an asshole!!"...and I would have felt so much better once I told the tale and got it off of my chest, but not guys, guys drink a beer and want to go be alone somewhere where you can't ask them "what's wrong".

It's really hard for me to relate to someone who is so fundamentally different than myself.  I try to wrap my head around it, and 9 times out of 10, i'm going to react like a "woman" every time.

Something else Jerimy and I are really different from each other is the fact that I like to take all the facts, all the possible outcomes and prepare for any and all of them.  He would tell you I pick the worst case scenario and play it out like it's GOING to happen.  In my defense, it's just how I cope, ya know, like I'd rather be relieved at getting good news, than devastated when given bad news.  The old "expect the best, prepare for the worst" kind of philosophy.  Jerimy gets soooooooo annoyed that I do this, He calls me "negative nancy"....like I'm so kind of doomsday prepp'er over here, but honestly, just between you and me, one of THE scariest things in the world, is what you never see coming.  If I had went into my colonoscopy thinking there is NO WAY I could have cancer, and then found out that it had been (hypothetically speaking), it would have wrecked me.  If I go into this surgery that I'm going to have in the next month or so thinking, "It's basically outpatient, I'll be fine, and then wake up with a colostomy bag that I have to have the rest of my life, I'm going to be beyond consolable.  Can you imagine what a colostomy bag would do to your sex life?  Can you imagine your feces and urine taped to a bag on your side for the rest of your life?

and it leads me to believe, it's not just women and men, or maybe it fundamentally is, but me, this woman, I like to have all the facts, imagine the worst, and then prepare myself mentally for what MAY lie ahead.  For me, mental preparation, it's the difference between being able to take a breath and face the worst, or shutting down, and being too devastated to face the facts as the are presented to me.  I wish I were more like Jerimy..  I admire his optimism and enthusiasm, and while I don't consider myself a negative person, I'm human, I'm flawed, I'm a pain in the ass, I sometimes talk to much, and there was that time I punched a guy in the arm at Walmart, thinking he was someone I knew, only to find out he was a total stranger....and yeah, I punched him again and said "Heeeey man well it was really good to see you" and I walked away leaving a total stranger to think HE was the crazy one who couldn't remember who I was! As opposed to being someone who should really wear her glasses before punching strangers at Walmart.  What can I say, I'm a complete wreck sometimes, and I surely feel like one now, hospitals, procedures, test results, blood draws, plastic arm bands, feeling weak, freezing, then sweaty, burning lungs, nothing tastes good, nothing smells good, and sometimes the only thing that doesn't hurt are my eyelashes....but just to prove Jerimy wrong, I'm not ALL negative, I couldn't be more thankful for the cushy recliner I get to lay in, or the soft snugly blankets I get to pull on and then kick off, only to repeat again.  I'm so thankful that I'm off work for the holiday, and maybe will get some serious rest and go back to work on Monday feeling more human and ready to face the meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Bowersock, on Wednesday morning.

Please tell me there's some others out there like me, that I'm not alone in this whole crazy worry cycle.  Worry, wash, worry, repeat.  I'm not right?  I just can't bring myself to lie to myself and tell myself everything is going to be fine, when "fine" is the last thing that I know I will be.

I don't want to lie to myself in the name of optimism.

Someone, anyone out there, tell me a story of worry, one that shows I'm not alone.

Anyone out there....

Luv,

In bed and sick,

~HeatherLynn~

Happy Tuesday.

So Jerimy told me the other night that when waking up from my medically induced slumber at the GI specialist that I didn't say anything, I just kept flipping him off.

Which so totally cracks me up because like seriously, I'm not a big flipper-offer...well, unless I really love you and it's funny to do so.

Stephanie, my longtime best friend from the third grade told me that the reason I have a tumor is because I suppress negative energy and emotions, I don't let them out, I don't express myself and tell people what I really think, because I'm too nice, and that tumor is nothing but all the things I should of said, but didn't.

It's an interesting theory....

I still can't believe I kept flipping Jerimy off, that's so unlike me!  Apparently under anesthesia, I can "express myself" just fine! *laughs*

Did I tell you Steph took me to my first visit?  She's such a trooper, even in the midst of her own family's health issues, she took time out of her day to take me to my appointment.

She dutifully took the little pamphlets off the rack and we one by one went through the different illnesses, one symptom at at time, trying to see if we could pinpoint perhaps which one I had.

When Dr. Taja took me over to his computer and showed my my tumor, I saw Steph, one by one, return the little booklets to the rack, as a big sign of defeat.  I didn't have what was easily identifiable in a information packet.  I had something worse.  I had something scarier.

One thing I loved about Dr. Taja is that he was really straight forward with me, he didn't pull any punches, he told me the tumor was big, specifically said that by looking at the CT Scan, it was "alarming" and needed to be addressed right away.  Then, in his foreign accent he said "I am hoping that it's just an Artifact"  And I'm like...."Huh?  An Artifact?"

Immediately, my mind, being the wildly active thing that it is, imagined Dr. Taja with a Indiana Jones hat, bull whip and flashlight, going up my "temple of doom" to retrieve this "artifact" he suspected to be inside me.

I can't get it out of my head that after surgery, the surgeon's going to come out looking like this, and my tumor will look like the precious rock that was stolen from that village.

Back to reality in Dr. Taja's office, he no longer looking like Indiana Jones, he's looking at me now, strangely as I've obviously spaced out for a minute, then he says, "you know Artifact?"...."like artificial"...."like not real"....

I couldn't help but smile a little through my terror of being told I have a tumor....

Dr. Taja, as Indiana Jones, it was just too comical in my head.

I love my brain in times like that.  Take a horrible situation like that, and turn it into a little movie in my head that's much more pleasant to view than a sketchy CT scan with a Dr. telling you you have a tumor.  I'd much rather have an "artifact" in my bum, at least when they went in to retrieve it I could like sell it on Ebay or something and make a little cash from the damned thing.  Or maybe it's not the temple of doom stones at all, perhaps it's like a T-Rex bone or something cool like that!

So, I have an Apt. on the morning of New Years Eve to talk to the surgeon who'll be doing the surgery, and to schedule the procedure.  I'm guessing it won't be til the end of January that I'll get in for the actual removal, but I guess that gives me time to prepare.

I really hope you all have a very merry Christmas, and a HEALTHY and happy New Year!

Hug your loved ones, hold em' near and dear to your heart, what's under the tree doesn't matter nearly as much as the people who put the presents under there.  They are the real gift.

All my Luv,

~HeatherLynn~

And if you haven't read the interview that was just featured in "Shine" Newsletter, have a read, the Newsletter was a real enjoyable read for me, perhaps it will be for you as well!  I'm January's featured "Dream Achiever"

An answer to my prayers and yours!

Have you ever felt THIS thankful, THIS blessed, THIS overwhelmed with Joy?!?!?!?

In this moment, I dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Test results are back, BENIGN!

BENIGN

BENIGN

BENIGN

BENIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you hear me????  

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BENIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot be happier!

And incase you didn't grasp the entire jist of JUST how excited I am, I'm as excited as Buddy the Elf when he found out Santa was coming:

Dr. Taja....I know him

and I love him

for calling me on a Saturday to let me know my test results

and not making me wait in agony another moment longer!

woooooo

hooooooo

WOOOOOOOOO

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Thank you so so so so so so very much for praying for me and worrying WITH me, and loving me enough to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

I still have to have sugery to remove the tumor, but this Christmas is so very much brighter without "Cancer" hanging over my head!

*Breathes HUGE sign of relief*

Well Poop.

Well, I called Dr. Taja's office

No results yet, and they close at 2:00 p.m.

they said they would call me if anything came in before two, otherwise, they said call Monday.

:( :( :(

I was really hoping to know today and not have to wait the weekend.

*sighs*

Well, fingers are still crossed I get the call today.

And to keep things positive, I saw this and thought that this is maybe what Jerimy went through getting me home last night when i was all drugged up...it made me smile, maybe it will make you smile too!

<3 xoxox <3

~HeatherLynn~

Post Procedure!

Well, I'm dressed and ready to go, Jerimy is in the shower, I've watched a ton of Parenthood, Crosby's a dad...Sarah's dating the kid's English teacher and Adam is having a nervous breakdown because everyone relies on him too much.  The dad's going to lose the house and that Amber is acting out....it's nice to watch their problems and forget about my own life for awhile.  Thanks Parenthood.

Whoa, crap, I totally fell asleep in the chair, Jerimy just woke me up and said we have to go....now!  So here goes nothing.

I'm wearing my favorite socks....it's the only clothes they let me keep on during the procedure...If I have to have this done, I'm going to keep a bit of my own style while they violate me. :)

Wish me luck.

------------

Home from the prodcedure.  My mom showed up, which made me really happy.  To wake up and find her and Jeirmy sitting there next to me was a good thing to wake up to.  I was so groggy.  One minute i'd be awake, the next I'd be totally out of it.  It was weird.

i don't remember the procedure at all, last thing I remember was my nurse giving me the drugs in my iv.  THANK GOD, because a colonoscopy IS NOT something you want to really remember.  At least I don't.

Dr. Taja said in his opinion, it looked to be a benign tumor, but obviously can't give me that as something to rely on until my biopsy report comes back and verifies that it is NOT cancer.  Oh please let it come back benign.  please let it come back benign, please, oh please let it come back benign.

Either way, cancer or not, i have to go have this thing surgically taken out of me.

Another surgery, another hospital, another scary thing to face.

I am so grateful though to all the people I've seen thus far, all the ER people, all the people at Dr. Taja's office...everyone has been so good to me....including all of the people who i love and have in my life, the outpouring has been so so so very comforting.

Dr. Taja said my results could be in as soon as tomorrow (Friday Afternoon), so keep your fingers crossed that they come in, and they are good news.  I can't stand the idea of having to wait the entire weekend to know the results.

*fingers crossed*

and

*STARVING*

I'm going to eat the Chicken Club Pizza that Jerimy has bought me!

mmmmmmm

foooooooooood!

Get in my COLON!

*winks*

H. - out!

xoxoox

Twas the Night before Colonoscopy

Before I begin my regimen of pre-colonoscopy liquids that will flush my insides down the toilet.  If you have a queasy stomach, you may want to discontinue reading now.

So what started out as a night sick laying on the floor of Mr. and Mrs. Wark's bathroom, turned into expelling blood out my rear and then a ER visit.

They did a CT scan of my abdomen and found a mass in my large intestine on the left side.  Said I had to be seen by a GI specialist within two days.  That was then, this is now.

I went to see Dr. Taja, my GI guy today and he reviewed my CT scan, showed it to me and said that it was what appeared to be a tumor, and a sizable one at that.

Then when I asked him when he would be able to schedule me for a colonoscopy, he said 'TOMORROW', we can't delay this.  I'm guessing by his tone and his urgency, it's not looking good for me right now.

I thought I would immediately break down into tears...but I didn't.

-------------------------------------

Ok, drinking this liquid disgusting torture is worse than I thought it would be.  Must get it down though.

Ok, first 16 oz. down the hatch, now I get to await it's exit from my body.

the stomach grumbling has begun.  if the insistent gurgling is any indication of the terrible time I'm up for...well, lets just say this is going to be a doozy.

OMG......HOLY hell the pain is enough to bring me to tears....and the process of cleaning out one's colon is even worse than I had imagined it would be.  This stuff  could be given to prisoners of war and used as a torture device.  I'd sell anyone body out to make this pain stop.

well, that was embarrassing, two rolls of toilet paper down the sewer pipe later, tears shed, moaning, wincing, gripping the walls for dear life, and I've survived round one of my "colon prep".

Now, I just have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. for round #2.  This is crappy I tell you!....LITERALLY!  *weak smile*...even "crappy" puns tend to make me smile.  Can't help it, it's the writer in me.

As I sit here wide awake at, midnight, then one, then two and three a.m. it's hard not to think and ponder about the worst case scenario.  What if I have cancer, what if I don't make it to my wedding day with Jerimy, what if poor George and Chubs lose their mommy...they'll never understand where i went and why i never came back for them.  This makes me so sad to think of all the things I never got to do, all the places I never got to go, all the things I would miss out on being around for....like seeing my niece and nephew grow up and reach all those milestones that kids do.  I won't be around to see Easton get married someday, graduate from high school and then college...i won't get to have grandkids that in really hope to get one day since i didn't have kids of my own.  Damnit I don't want to miss out on this stuff.

Everyone says "you'll be fine", and stay positive, but I don't think there's a person alive, who is faced with the possibility of "cancer" who doesn't think about death, and the life they will have cut short.

The good news though, is that I have had a wonderful life so far.  I have THE BEST friends and family and dogs a girl could ask for.  I've met the love of my life, and somehow swindled him into wanting to marry me.  I'm surrounded my nature, and trees, and noises from the forest outside my window, I have 21 chickens who love me (well, as much as chickens can really love anyone)....and I got some really great new outfits at the thrift store the other day...some real finds...I do so love a good thrift store find!  It makes me smile to think of myself on a fake red carpet and cameras flashing and people shouting my way "Heather....Heather...who are you wearing??!?!" and I say back ever so coolly "Community thrift store, $1.99!"....

As i sit here, i ponder turning the famous poem "twas the night before Christmas" into the "twas the night before a colonoscopy", but, I can't ruin a perfectly wonderful Christmas poem like that.  I assure you, it'd be clever and grotesque, but I refuse to turn a holiday classic into a "shitty" parody.  Besides, I'm no Weird Al Yankovich, like him or not, that guy is a total and utter genius.  Google him sometime and read about him, it will blow your mind how extremely talented that guy really is.  My dear friend DJ Ramsburg taught me that, and I've always been grateful that he did.  Beaus when someone is truly gifted, like Weird Al is, it's a damn shame for people to go on NOT knowing how gifted you are.

As I read through some of the texts people sent me today, and Facebook messages, I can't help but to get emotional at all the outpouring of love and support you all have given me.  All the messages of hope and prayer and love, i tell you, you sure know how to make a girl choked up with emotion!  you'd think i was on my period due to the overwhelming amount of times I've teared up and cried today!  If anyone asks, I'm going to just say I'm premenstrual though, cuz I'm an Osting, and I have a reputation to maintain.  I'm tough and all that you know.  No way I sit around crying while reading text messages and Facebook messages.  Ostings just don't do such things.  We spit in the face of Cancer, and "emotions"....

*sighs*...Oh how I wish that were true.

Four O'clock.....drinking round #2 and NOT looking forward to the aftermath.  Jerimy is sound a sleep with the dogs in our room.  the whole house is so quiet.  and outside is so still.  at four in the morning, a person feels really and truly alone.  It's so quiet, i can hear my own heart beat.

Ok, gotta run to toilet...be back when this has run it's course.

It's five thirty a.m.  Round two actually wasn't nearly as bad as the first.  Not as much cramping or pain, but I did cheat and dumped a little bit of the second dose down the drain.  Just a little, so I'm not going to feel bad about it.  I'm cleaned out, and that's the main thing.

Now I wait for 2:15 p.m. when I will check myself in and prep for my procedure.  This is going to be the longest clock watching time.  I wish I could sleep, but there's just no way, I'm a ball of nerves.

Thank God for Netflix, for now Parenthood, season 1, episode 1, will appease my mind and take me away from reality.

This is where I'll leave you....for now.