First comes Divorce, then comes Love....

So yesterday I wrote about Divorce, today I want to write about life AFTER it.

See, I got married at twenty-two.  Old enough to know how to GET married, but not experienced enough to know better! *laughs*

Some people give careful thought and consideration to things, at twenty-two, I was a reckless girl, who believed life was short and I might as well live like each day was my last.  So married to a guy I never dated seemed like a really good idea at the time.  Moral of that story, Life is short...and marriage can be really long if you marry the wrong person.  Even if you only do it for six years...they will be the longest six years of your life.  I think my ex-husband can agree with me there!  I'm sure it was no picnic for him either!  Having an unhappy wife = having an unhappy life!  (This is me accepting my responsibility for our relationship's demise)  Look, it all boils down to, we weren't compatible.  That's what irreconcilable differences mean.  I wanted/needed something from him that he couldn't give and be happy giving, and he wanted/needed something from me that I couldn't give or live without happily.

But, from pain, comes great clarity, I said that yesterday, and had it NOT been from the pain of my Divorce, I'd not of had the clarity to know that THIS GUY is the Cat's Meow!

{And no, he doesn't normally wear suspenders with his Flannel!}

Jerimy and I went to school together our entire lives until he went to Vantage in High School.  I sat by him in Mr. Ahten's Civics Class, I remember him....yet it wasn't until I was old enough to KNOW what happiness looked like until I saw him for what he truly is...."MY person"

He is hands down the light of my life.

I NEVER in a million years thought I'd find him...

Hell I never even fathomed he existed

Until that fateful day, that my friend Jim, hooked me up with his friend "Beef" to change the timing belt on my ole Neon.

I will never forget picking it up after he'd finished, seeing him for the first time in many many years and thinking to myself....

"YOWZA he's hot!"

*laughs and blushes*

That's me being really honest about my inner dialog right there!

He had Harley Davidson Frames for his glasses

Ohio State flip flops on his feet..

and he made my palms clammy.  WHICH IS NO EASY FEAT I MIGHT ADD.  

I HAVE RIDICULOUSLY DRY SKIN ON MY HANDS!

After my divorce, I remember saying things like,

"I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!!!"

and 

"I"M NEVER GOING TO TIE MY LIFE OR FINANCES UP WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN!"

"TRUSTING SOMEONE THAT MUCH IS FOR IDIOTS!"

"I"M NEVER CHANGING MY NAME AGAIN!  OSTING FOR LIFE!!" was my motto!

When I bought my house on first street in 2009, I said:

"I'M NEVER MOVING OUT OF HERE, IF SOME GUY COMES ALONG, HE CAN MOVE IN WITH ME, AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, 

HE CAN MOVE OUT!  

NOT ME!!!"

Ah, the things that people say when they've been jilted.

I, just like all the other divorced people before me, said those same things, 

NEVER AGAIN!!

LESSON LEARNED!!

Yet, here we are, 2014, and I've moved out of MY house that I swore I'd never leave.

I've BOUGHT a house and tied myself up financially to another human being who could hurt me, leave me, break my heart into a million pieces.

I wouldn't mind one bit to forfeit my last name for his.

and the "M" word no longer makes me want to scream the "F" word!

I'm open to the idea and someday, I know in my heart, in the woodsy back yard of our new home, we WILL promise forever to each other.

{this is the view of our back yard where all sorts of magic might one day be made}

Does all of this put me at risk, YEP!

Does all of this optimism and love set me up for a fall and total and utter destruction of self again should this not work out...

Sure does.

Could anyone talk me out of it?

NOT A CHANCE!

*laughs*

The big difference I notice between the girl I was at 22 to the woman I am at 35 is:

When I was married at 22, the idea of living the rest of my days, feeling like I did then, scared the crap out of me.

At 35, when you find the love of your life, the idea that you WON"T get to spend the rest of your life feeling EXACTLY like this, scares the crap out of you.

It took getting married to make my Ex-husband "FAMILY"...

but when you find THE person for you

they become your family

without you even knowing.

You just wake up one day

and you realize

that your lives merged

and "happily ever after"

is up to you from then on.

Love is risky business.

when you find someone who MAKES you want to risk EVERYTHING,

even when you know the RISK

and you still bare the scars of life's prior lessons learned the hard way...

You just can't be a wuss about it!

Love is NOT for sissies!

~HeatherLynn~

Going through the big D and Don't mean "Delphos"

As a divorced person, I often times refer back to my experience with the implosion of my marriage, and use that in helping others who find themselves in the same shoes I stood in when I found myself staring down the barrel of D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Many years later, myself and my fellow Divorcées we kindly welcome new members in with open arms and sympathetic head tilts because if there’s one club that understands the pain the member went through to get there, it’s the Divorcee’s club.

I’ll never forget when I was going through it, there was a couple guys from my class in school who I ran into at the bar (Rustic) one night, and they said “Welcome to the Club” and they smiled wholeheartedly when they heard about my plight; and I remember thinking to myself, THANK GOD for these guys, because it was like the one and only thing that made me feel “ok” about the fact that I was getting divorced only six years after getting married.  Granted my ex and myself were only seeing each other for about six weeks when we got married, but hey, we are all crazy and impulsive when we’re young right?! *laughs*

Getting divorced before you’re thirty is tough because you’re one of the first to do it.  When I went through it, all of my friends were either just getting married, still in the honeymoon phase or just starting to have babies…so I didn’t have a slew of friends rushing to my side who could truly understand what it’s like to go through something so god awful.  Lucky for me, my friends make up for in awesome, what they lacked in divorce experience.

I’ve been divorced now for going on six years, and I have to tell you, it’s not too awful of a club or company to be in.  Good people get divorced all the time.  I remember thinking that being divorced at 28 would be like being branded with the scarlet letter of “D” for the rest of my lowly days, but it just doesn’t have to be something that defines you.  That much I promise you.

I know this seems like a puff piece about how great divorce is, and that’s not my intention, but I guess that I wanted to put this out there for anyone who’s on the verge of having life as they know it torn to virtual shreds, if someone is scared to death that there is no life that will ever be as good to follow…I just wanted to say “you know what…there is.  You just have to make it to the other shore before you can begin again”

Don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you couldn’t save your sinking ship.  Saving a ship is more than a solo effort.  So if you were out there signaling SOS, inflating life preservers, putting women and children in a safety boat, and your husband or wife was the one putting holes in your vessel, no sense in taking the blame for that.  Own your part of the failed relationship, and let the rest sink with the ship.  Life is hard enough without carrying around all that blame and baggage.  Especially when there’s usually enough to go around, so don’t carry it all alone.

There’s a lot of emotions that go along with getting a divorce.  There’s the feeling where you are like dead inside.  Then there’s the shock when it sinks in that this is actually happening, and you go and look at your wedding album and you wonder how on earth things went so wrong.  You’ll cry, and then ten minutes later you’re hateful and feel like your head is going to rocket off your shoulders and burst into flames.  You experience jealousy, and over stupid things….like how quickly someone else seems “fine”, be it your spouse, or your co-worker, and you wonder if they are made of tougher stuff than you.  You can’t watch Romantic Comedies for a while…and suddenly you find yourself home alone under a blanket, watching things like “Last House on the Left” and “Paranormal Activity” and “Straw Dogs” for enjoyment instead of “You’ve got mail”, “Pretty Woman” and “How to lose a guy in 10 days”.  Which just saying, that Movie title is misleading, if you didn’t know what it was about one might think it was a divorce how-to for a speedy dissolution!  Ah, TEN DAYS, wouldn’t that be wonderful if you could get divorced in ten days?!?!

My parents, when they got divorced, it was like “The Dark Ages” in our family.  For FOUR grueling, miserable, horrifying years, the saga drug on, and on, and onnnnnnn!  It’s bad enough surviving your OWN divorce, let alone surviving your parents’ too. Talk about total upheaval of one’s life and point of reference.

But back to movies, once your desire for slasher films and action movies subsides and you find yourself feeling not so bleak inside, might I suggest “When Harry Met Sally”, “Under the Tuscan Sun” and “Sleeping with the Enemy”….all of those will help balance out the good with the bad….and Billy Chrystal’s portrayal of what it’s like to go through divorce is pretty good in my opinion.  So when you’re all alone, and you’re crying and need something to drown out the sounds of your sobs, just pop one of these babies in and feel a little less alone. 

Some marriages just aren’t written in the stars…some spouses can’t be faithful and think the grass is greener on the other side; others don’t know what it is to truly love someone and can’t help but to screw things up beyond repair.  While others, simply just grow apart.  Couples inevitably do one of two things, you grow together, or you grow apart.

So if Divorce is something that’s happening to you, know that you WILL get through it, the misery eventually WILL cease and there will come a day, when you realize that you’re feeling more like “yourself” than you’ve ever felt in your life…and there’s nothing keeping you from it, or keeping you from feeling good about being YOU anymore.

If you truly want to come out of Divorce a winner, do not allow yourself to:

#1) worry what people will think of you.  What other people think, is none of your business, don’t make their issues, your issues.

#2) If you ex has a history of telling you that they broke up with the person they were dating before you because they are/were “crazy”…be prepared for them to make you into the same “crazy person” they claimed their last ex was.  DO NOT LET THEM.  Nothing will make you feel better than to know that they tried to make YOU look bad, and wound up just making THEMSELVES look like they crazy one when their claims show again and again to be unfounded.

#3) Be good to yourself.  As hard as it may seem, get yourself some sleep at night…no sense staying up all night worrying over things that you really don’t have control of right now.  That’s what you pay lawyers for, let them worry for you.  Worry rarely ever affects the outcome of a law suit.  What will be, will be….worry or not.

#4) Try very very hard not to lose your shit the first time you see your ex with someone new.  It is NOT like seeing an ex-BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND with someone new it’s much stranger than that, when you see some other woman/man with your HUSBAND OR WIFE, it’s just almost shocking.  It can stir up some primal responses in you that will have you not sure if you want to run over there and pee on your ex’s leg and say, MINE!  Or pull out your fangs and rip both of their throats out.  Prepare yourself for any lingering resentment/anger/rage etc. to surface if this happens.  Especially if you no sooner found out you’re getting a divorce, only to find them ALREADY dating someone before papers are even filed.  If you think your spouse won’t do this to you….just prepare for it, because it happens so very often.

#5)  Take this opportunity to find out who you really are, and what you’re made of.  If you’re a sweetie pie normally, and your divorce makes you feel rage like you’ve never known, find out if you’ve always had it, or if it suits you.  Some people can really harness anger and put it to good use.  If you’ve been a doormat for the whole time you’re married, find out what that’s about…did they make you that way, or did you lay down so they could walk on you?  A hefty attorney bill, ruined credit and bitterness doesn’t have to be all you take away from the experience.

Through pain can come the most profound clarity.

Don’t be afraid to embrace it.

Chalk it up to experience!

We all get it one way or another.

Sincerely,

~Heather "Divorced" Lynn~

Tuesday in the Frozen Tundra that is Ohio:

It’s freezing once again here in Ohio.  I swear it’s like we live at the North Pole these days.  And yes, yes, I know, I live in OHIO….I know we get “winter” here, but seriously?  ALASKA is warmer than Ohio this winter.  That’s no joke, I have a Facebook friend in Alaska that posts the temp there all the time and even she’s WARMER than we are.  NO FAIR I say!

However, Ohio’s “Deep Freeze” does have some benefits I hear, so I thought I’d share some of those benefits with you so perhaps we together can find some silver lining in all of this madness.

#1 - Apparently these temperatures could ward off some of the tree killers we have here in NW Ohio, Example:  The emerald ash borer and the fungus that causes sudden oak death.

#2- Colder Temperatures force insects down further into the ground, causing the soil to be better fertilized and therefore more productive in the coming growing season.

----------------------------------------------------

So those are good things….some things that are not so good (if you notice, my list of GOOD things could use to be a little longer to balance things out…feel free to email me some other benefits and I’d be happy to add them to my list if you know of any!!)

------------------------------------------

#1 - Frozen noses, toes, fingers, nose hairs!

#2 - My poor puppies go outside and their pee freezes before it hits the ground and it hurts their paws to touch them to the cold ground.

#3 - My electric bill is $400.00. (NO JOKE)

#4- My Mercury GROANS at me when I try to start it.  Poor thing.

#5 - Parents have spent so much time cooped up in their houses with their children; some are contemplating “eating their young”.

#6 - People apparently drink a TON of milk to stay warm and make banana sandwiches, because every time I go to the store, there’s never any milk, bananas or bread.

#7 - Frozen pipes = no showers, no toilets…= smelly people who have to use the restroom.

-----------------------------------------------------------

On days like this, I like to close my eyes and dream of the feeling of sand between my toes.  Close your eyes with me won’t you…let me take you with me....

With your eyes closed, I want you to imagine the following:

There’s a faint smell of fish in the air, not the kind that makes you want to be grossed out, but the kind that is mixed with seaweed and equal parts bad as it is good.  You can hear the sound of waves hitting the sand and feel the cool breeze coming off the water, mixing with the heat coming up off the sand.  

A seagull squawks off in the distance, while you catch a whiff of Sun Tan Lotion waft up from a couple of teenage sun bathers not far from where you stand.  A volleyball game hails some hooting and hollering….someone shouts “MINE” and “GOT IT” and you smile as you wish, like me, you were more coordinated and had the beach body of Kerri Walsh Jennings or Misty May-Treanor.

Are your eyes still closed?  Do you have the hankering for a hot dog from the boardwalk, or some saltwater taffy?  Can you feel the weight of your over sized sunglasses on the bridge of your nose?  

Can you picture the vivid color of your beach towel of choice? (mine’s varying shades of bright and glorious blue/teal).  Can you hear the rumble of a couple Harleys in the distance?  In your mind, do you have your sand castle built?  

Can you feel that sunshine giving some color to your pale Ohio skin?

When life starts to get too cold, and summer seems too far away, I like to use the TWO things God gave me that help combat the winter blues, and that’s my IMAGINATION and the blessing of MEMORY.

Where can the use of yours take you today?

Luv,
~HeatherLynn~

{btw - all the pictures in this post are my own!  Nice to find good use for them.}

I've been asked a lot, how I write stories...

where they come from....

Well, this might look like just a door to you

in fact its a door here at my office.

Pretty typical door right?

Well in this door, I see 

4 wine glasses,

big bird,

Delbert

&

A pair of legs in the air complete with feet.

Jerimy's bathroom door at his house on clime street,

Ariel's dad King Triton.

And I always see shapes and things in the clouds.

My brain never stops inventing, seeking out and entertaining me.

And thank god I say, because how many bathroom doors have you stared at and just saw a door?

Never lose your Child-like wonder, or your imagination
You're born with it, but it's your job to not let it die as you age.

And let me tell you,
its not any easy thing to keep
LIFE sometimes will suck the enthusiasm right out of you
Your job is not to let it.

This list is the kind of thing that will keep you young
amused
and the life of any party
Try it
Like it
Live it!

~HeatherLynn~

Just for fun:

 Criminal Background check Thumbprints

 Sperm swimming upstream

 Boobs as pictured in a national geographic
or a heart that's been stabbed with a knife
or balls, could be balls....
Or an Alligator's eyes

A dandelion at seed about to blow away
4th of July fireworks
Shattered glass
A Lion sleeping

Everybody's got that one Friend (or if you're lucky, TWO)...

I'm a pretty positive person, I like to NOT let negativity get the best of me, but I'm not perfect, and sometimes, it's not easy, especially when winter has you feeling like a caged animal, surrounded by snow, frigid temperatures and with no end in sight.

Well, I let the winter "caged animal" anxiety blues get the better of me the other day, and it leaked out onto my better half in the form of...."I want something, but instead of just asking for it, I tried sugar coating it, adding a bunch of stuff about my feelings (such an icky word to boys) and somehow it snowballed into a big mis-communication that turned into drama (another word I try and avoid at all costs)...and while my intentions were good, my delivery sucked, and my man got miffed and my night went all sorts of wrong.

First and foremost, I HATE, HATE, HATE when J and I are out of sorts with each other, #1) because I love the guy almost to the point of ridiculousness, #2) I went about it all wrong #3) I made waves when there's NOTHING wrong with a placid sea, and lastly #4) for a writer, I kinda sometimes SUCK at communication!  {I KNOW RIGHT?!?!  NO WAY!!!}  *laughs*

So, when I need someone to tell me I'm an idiot (if I'm being one), or tell me HOW to wrap my head around a situation, I call in the big guns!  Aka KAREN.

Karen is a Texan, she's blonde, she's beautiful, she's strong, she's blunt and she's got more experience in her pinky finger than I think I have in my whole body!  She's my Wikipedia!  If there's something I need to know, she's one of the people I instantly MUST speak with.

Yesterday I told her of my most recent woes, and she did what a true friend does, she gives it to me straight.  She don't coddle me, she don't tell me what I want to hear, she told me exactly what I did wrong, and told me helpful insightful ways to avoid such pitfalls in the future.

{side note:  this was my favorite Atari game}

In ONE conversation that took place over the course of 20 to 30 minutes, she erased 24 hours of misery, hurt feelings and silence.  She stitched up, rubbed ointment on my open wound and viola, I was practically as good as new again and optimistic once more in love, life and humanity.

To add that Karen and I have never actually MET in real life, really makes our unique friendship even more unique.....Just goes to show that friendship IS something that knows know bounds, space nor time.  You can be friends if you wanna be, and there's not a damned thing that can separate true kinship.

In this life, we all have our go-to people.  The person who gives us tough love, the person who can make you smile when you're so broken, the person who's just full of energy and is light and just fun to be with, you have your friends that will get in trouble with you, friends who'd lie for you, friends who'd make a fool of themselves with you...and friends who can make a fool OUT of you, but you never get mad at them for it.  I'm lucky, in my life I've had the great pleasure of meeting so many amazingly wonderful MEN and WOMEN who have made my life better just by being in it.

{you know who you are guys....Karen's in very good company here}

I know I write here a lot about "FRIENDS", but that's only because without them, I wouldn't be who I am, and I'm forever indebted to them, and thankful FOR them.  Each and EVERY SINGLE ONE!

~HeatherLynn~

Memories:

Today while having my truck receiving a little TLC from the wonderful people down at Tom Ahl's, I got a rental car to drive.

I figured the vehicle wouldn't be as awesome at my Mariner, generally loaner vehicles aren't "top of the line", and when they lead me to the lot, to a running Buick park avenue, tan in color and as big as Noah's Ark, I just smiled, and hopped inside.  I mean, it's like six degrees outside, no use standing out there freezing to death.

I got inside and sat on the leather driver's seat and it was much squishier than I'd expected.  It was as if i was sitting on a pillow....the leather was so soft and worn.  I looked out over the dash to see the never-ending hood that seemed to go on for miles.  This too made me smile.

As I looked around anxiously for windshield wipers and put the car into drive, I felt the boat slowly move forward and we headed out to Allentown road where I was transported not just to work, but IN TIME!  I was no longer 35 years old, driving to my job, I was 7 and riding shotgun with my grandpa Rollie in his Cadillac.

My Grandpa Blockberger was such a wonderful man.  Kind, gentle, an absolute example of a Man.  And boy did he love his Caddys!  They were so smooth, I remember thinking when I rode in them that they felt like you were gliding down the road on a sofa made of feathers.

Growing up the way I did, a bit "rough and tumble", having a man like my Grandpa in my life was such a blessing.  I don't know if he even knew how profound of an effect just his presence had on me.  So many times, when I was hurt at the hands of a man, I never got bitter, or thought to myself that "ALL MEN" were assholes.  How could I, when I knew ONE in particular that would never do such a thing.

I want to tell you a story about him....so you can love him as much as I do.

When I was in High School, I dated this boy, whom we'll call....Donald.  Donald was pretty much my first "real" semi-grown-up relationship.  I was crazy about him.  We'd been dating for about a year when I was to be inducted to the National Honor Society.  Which was kinda a big deal to me, as being "smart" was something that I really did strive for.  I know, I'm a nerd!  But I really did WANT to be a part of something that showed that I was good at something.  That I "had something"....ya know?  

I'm not super coordinated, I can't paint, or sculpt, or run fast....but getting good grades, that was something I was pretty sure I could do, so to have it recognized by my school by way of being inducted into the Honor Society, well that m'friends was something I was proud of.  My older sister too had been in Honor Society...but she disgraced the family by being kicked off of it! *laughs hysterically*...God I love my sister!  She's THE BEST and THE WORST influence a girl could ever ask for growing up. (LUV YOU ANG!)

but anyway....so the night before my big induction, my long time boyfriend who I THOUGHT adored me, broke up with me, which I then found out that no only was he breaking up with me, but that he had been cheating on me with someone he worked with, and had gotten her pregnant!  I was beyond devastated.  I thought he was wonderful!  I loved him, my family loved him, he was the center of my universe, and so to hear that he threw it all away like it meant nothing...well, it was more than my young brain could comprehend.  I cried all night, and went to school dressed in my "business attire" best, and with puffy eyes and intermittent crying spells, I awaited the assembly in the gym for my induction.

Miss Vargo, my business teacher, bless her soul, took one look at me and she pulled me aside and asked me what boy had broken my heart, and what his address was, because she'd take our class with baseball bats and make him sorry he hurt me!  Which I'm not going to lie, really did make me smile...and then blow a snot bubble out of my nose.  I never knew Miss Vargo had a sensitive bone in her body until that day, but from that day on, I saw her in a whole knew light.  I kinder one, she was a good woman, despite what anyone else ever would say or think of her, I knew she was kind.

but anyway, my folks had a business to run, and their business was at it's peak the day I was to be inducted and they couldn't get away to come to the ceremony.  I was feeling THE MOST alone in the world, no boyfriend, no family in the stands giving a shit about my accomplishment, I felt like nothing mattered, least of all me.

But as the ceremony started, and I walked up to the podium to say my part, I saw them there, my Grandma Irene and my Grandpa Rollie, sitting there smiling ever so proud of me.  I could see in their eyes not just kindness, but sympathy and love as well.  They showed up for me, and in that moment, they kept me from complete and total despair.

After the ceremony, they waited for me, and I walked with them down the long Jefferson High School hallway, and my grandpa put his arm around me and he said "Heather, I know that you are hurting, and I know that you're sad, but I'll tell you right now, any man who will hurt you like this, isn't worth your tears, and isn't worth your love.  There WILL be a man someday who will love you in a way that you never have to doubt, who will treat you like the one thing that he'll NEVER want to lose, I know God will send you someone like that.  You just wait and see".

He told me that in 1994, and he died in 2002.  I never lost hope in finding love like he'd promised me.  I never lost faith in men, or in mankind.

So today, I thank Tom Ahl's for giving me a ride with my Grandpa again.  I didn't know how much I missed him until that tan boat in my parking lot reminded me.

R.I.P - Rolland Blockberger - aka my Grandpa.

July 28, 1927 - March 23, 2002

Nostalgic in Ohio,

HeatherLynn